Radium

Characters

(All are in their late-twenties/early-thirties)

Alexis: Male, a violist.

J.: Male.

Ryan: Male, Alexis' boyfriend, Louis' ex-boyfriend, a counselor/activist.

Zachary: Male, Alexis' ex-boyfriend, a journalist.

Louis: Trans, Ryan's ex-partner, a lawyer.

Louise / Female Party Guest: Louis' ideal reflection.

Setting

J.'s bedroom; Alexis' bathroom and other rooms in his apartment; Zachary's apartment; a gay club; a banquet hall.

Time

I, Scene 1: The near-present.

I, Scenes 2 – 7
II, Scenes 1 – 3: The past.

II, Scene 4: Further back in the past.

II, Scene 5: Now.

Act I

Scene 1: The David

(Alexis is playing the viola as the audience enters. His playing starts out slow and controlled but gradually becomes faster and more chaotic until it reaches a feverish peak. Lights out.

(The lights then fade up on J.'s bedroom. A door leading out, a mirror, maybe a few shelves, but very sparse. Somewhere, a miniature copy of the statue of David, sculpted expertly out of clay.

(Alexis and J. in bed as the lights rise. They are having sex, J. on top, Alexis bowed over – they are not facing each other. Alexis is about to come. He lets out a slow, soft, pregnant, agonizing moan. J. reacts as though he were coming, as though this sound alone has brought him to orgasm. Then, very abruptly, J. springs from the bed. He is fully naked, unashamed of his nudity – even proud of it – but there is also a hint of shame in him about something else. Alexis remains in bed, suddenly abandoned, cold, confused. Long pause.)

Alexis

Aren't you...? Are you finished? I mean, did you come?

J.

No.

Alexis

Me neither.

J.

I know that.

Alexis

Oh...

(Pause)

Then why did you...? I'm sorry. I don't understand.

(On his next line, J. bursts into motion, crossing about the room, collecting Alexis' clothes.)

J.

I have a lot of work to do.

(Pause. Alexis sits up in bed and instinctively covers himself. A beat of silence.)

J.

I'm an artist.

Alexis

An artist?

(Quick pause)

What kind of art?

J.

The art of... self-improvement.

(Alexis nods as though he understands. Pause. Then:)

Alexis

What does that mean?

J.

(Impatiently)

It's difficult... It's impossible... You wouldn't understand.

Alexis

(Hesitantly)

I bet if you explained it --

J.

I don't have the time.

(J. throws Alexis his clothes.)

J.

You have to get going. I have lots of work.

(Alexis stares at the clothes in his lap. He is beginning to understand.)

Alexis

But you didn't finish.

J.

(Busying himself, pacing, but really doing nothing)

I never do.

Alexis

But we could still... together... We could do something, talk.

J.

Is that why you...? No. You didn't come for that.

Alexis

How do you know what I came here for?

J.

(Very impatient now)

The invitation was for fucking. I thought that was clear.

Alexis

(Pause, hit by this)

I knew the... invitation... I hoped we would --

J.

Yeah?

Alexis

I guess... I didn't think... that was all you could want.

J.

(Also hit)

Why would you think that?

Alexis

(Pause, startled)

I... I don't know. I'm not used to getting... invitations like that.

J.

Like what?

Alexis

For... fucking. I'm not the kind of guy... I never thought of myself as... attractive enough.

J.

That's not why I invited you.

Alexis

Oh... Uh-huh.

(Pause.)

J.

Are you waiting for a reason?

Alexis

I'm curious, I guess.

J.

(Thinking, not coming up with anything, then:)

I liked your playing. At that benefit, okay?

(Pause)

Please, just... I need you... I need you to get out!

(Silence. Alexis begins dressing – hurriedly.)

Alexis

Fine. I'm going.

J.

(Checking his watch)

Jesus... shit! It's late. It's morning.

Alexis

I'm going.

(Alexis fumbles to dress faster. J. is watching him, growing ever-more impatient.)

J.

(In an outburst)

HURRY UP! It's late. I work. I need to be alone. I do most of my work at night!

(Alexis is still dressing – fumbling with socks, shirt buttons, etc. J. is at the point of explosion.)

J.

(Holding back)

Please --

(Letting it break)

GET OUT OF HERE!

(J. rips the blanket off Alexis. Alexis is still naked from the waist down. He jumps out of bed and rushes to pull his pants on.)

Alexis

What's wrong with you?

J.

Why did you even call me? You're wasting my time. The benefit was what?--a year ago? I didn't even remember til you mentioned it when you called.

Alexis

(Pause)

I called you...

I called you...

I was... afraid... of being alone.

My boyfriend... just left me. I thought... I needed help. I thought that, maybe, if I wasn't by myself...
If I had someone to... hold me. Just hold me, that's all...

J.

I don't want to hear this --

Alexis

I know how it sounds --

J.

You're dressed. We're finished. I need for you to go.

Alexis

If we could just... lay here --

J.

Don't TOUCH me like that! You STUPID FUCKING FAGGOT don't TOUCH me you FUCK!!

Now get out of here.

Get out of here.

GET OUT OF HERE, I SAID!

I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!! Get OUT of here, NOW!!!

Alexis

You're not even looking at me. I don't remember if you've... looked at me... even once.

(Long pause. J. looks at Alexis, squinting his eyes. Gradually he relaxes them.)

J.

Here. I'm looking.

Alexis

Did you...? Ever look?

J.

What...? Does it matter?

Alexis

Of course it does.

J.

No, I... No. Not this... close.

Alexis

(Pause)

No. Me neither.

J.

We're even then.

(Silence between them for a few beats. J. realizes he is still naked. He grabs a sheet from the bed and wraps it around himself. He takes a few steps toward the door.)

J.

Here. Let me show you --

Alexis

I can find my own way.

(Pause.)

J.

I could call you a taxi.

Alexis

I'd rather walk.

(Pause.)

J.

(Indicating the statue of David)

I did that.

(Correcting himself)

I copied it.

Alexis

(Looking at it)

I like it. It's nice.

(Pause. Alexis is almost out the door. J. stops him.)

J.

Please... Don't call me.

Alexis

Don't worry. I won't.

(Alexis exits. J. surveys the empty bedroom. Admires the David. Crosses to the bed and starts to make it. Takes off the sheet and puts it back on the bed. Admires his naked body in the mirror, his eyes squinting a little. Then, he reaches under the bed and pulls out two handweights. As he does this, he notices something unfamiliar on one of the nightstands: a crumpled-up napkin. Alexis dropped it there before his exit.)

J.

(Calling out)

Hey! Hey! You left something here--!

(He has crossed to the bedroom doorway. He looks out into the rest of the apartment, steps out for a moment, then returns. Alexis has already left. He opens the napkin and looks at it.)

J.

This is my number.

(He turns it over, looks at it again.)

J.

The benefit, that's right.

(He balls it up and tosses it in the trash.)

J.

Swish and forgotten.

(Addressing his own reflection in the mirror)

Now it's your turn.

(He picks up the handweights and begins lifting. They are obviously heavy. He enjoys the pain of lifting them and watches himself closely in the mirror. He is making love to himself.)

J.

I'd come with you if I fucked you. We'd be lovers. We'd be close.

(Lights slowly fade.)

Scene 2: Fingers Through Hair

(Alexis' bathroom. Alexis and Ryan are getting ready to go to bed. Alexis wears pajamas. He has just finished brushing his teeth and returns his toothbrush to the medicine cabinet. Ryan wears a long nightshirt. He has also just finished brushing his teeth, but returns his toothbrush to small zippered bag of toiletries on top of the toilet tank. The front of the medicine cabinet is a mirror. Alexis looks into it as he flosses. Ryan looks into it too, admiring Alexis.)

Ryan

Why do you do your hair like that?

Alexis

Like what?

Ryan

Like that. So fastidious. So extreme.

Alexis

If I don't, it looks messy.

Ryan

I bet that isn't true.

Alexis

Really, it looks messy. And I'm used to it like this.

(Ryan huffs, rolls his eyes.)

Alexis

(Messing up his hair)

Here. This is better?

Ryan

It's amazing.

Alexis

(Pause, looking at himself in the mirror)

I can't.

(He starts combing his hair back again. Ryan gently takes Alexis' hands, lowers them, and runs his fingers through Alexis' hair.)

Ryan

I've always been attracted to men with nice hair.

Alexis

It's my best feature.

Ryan

Is it?

Alexis

I guess.

(Pause)

I like it for that reason. At least I'm not bald.

(Ryan is still running his fingers through Alexis' hair. Alexis brushes away Ryan's hand.)

Alexis

Get off.

(He combs his hair back again. They are both looking into the mirror. Ryan smiles.)

Alexis

What's so funny?

Ryan

I was looking at you.

Alexis

And?

Ryan

I was looking at us together and suddenly--I don't know--I realized what I wanted,

(Hand on abdomen)

and it tickled me right here. Like a finger in my abdomen. I almost wanted to cry...

I want... to help you.

Alexis

Help me?

Ryan

(As in "yes")

Uh-huh. Help you and love you.

Alexis

Help me.

Ryan

That's right. I feel something between us. Potential.

Alexis

For what?

Ryan

If I already knew the answer, then what would be the point?

Alexis

(Beat, turning to Ryan; no longer looking in the mirror)

I am glad I met you.

Ryan

You're sure about that? You're definitely glad you met me?

Alexis

The second time at least. The first time...

Ryan

Don't say it. God, I was drunk.

(to himself)

That was a very difficult time.

Alexis

(Pause)

He's dead now. The cellist.

Ryan

I know who you mean. That's... that's terrible. I feel terrible for him.

Alexis

I sent his wife a condolence card.

Ryan

I would have signed it. You should have let me know.

Alexis

I'm sorry.

Ryan

No. She doesn't know who I am.

Alexis

She doesn't know me either. I only met her once.

Ryan

Still, you're in the orchestra. You knew him from work.

(Quietly)

Poor, poor woman.

Alexis

I guess you're probably right.

(Beat)

What if there are things you don't like about me?

Ryan

Things? Like... habits? Like the way you do your hair?

Alexis

Things... you know... inside of me.

Ryan

(Pause)

They wouldn't matter.

Alexis

But what if they do?

Ryan

(Pause)

Just... don't exclude me. That's all I ask.

(Beat)

As long as you love me --

Alexis

Is that what he did?

Ryan

He? You mean... Oh.

(Trying to seem casual, undisturbed)

I told you about that.

(Pause)

I don't even know what he calls himself now.

Alexis

(Pause, cautiously)

Maybe, he was thinking --

(Correcting himself)

Was afraid you'd be repulsed.

Ryan

By what?

Alexis

The... desire.

Ryan

What repulses me is shame. I tried to help him, but he just... shut me out. I believe in freedom, being free as the air. Free as an Icarus soaring through the sun.

Alexis

Icarus melted.

Ryan

His wings, don't you mean?

Alexis

He was flying and they melted, and he crashed to the ground.

Ryan

(Pause)

It was just a pretty image.

(Beat)

Anyway, that was him. My wings are stronger. They're not made of wax.

Alexis

What are they made of?

Ryan

(Playfully; luring him out)

See for yourself. You'll have to get me naked. I'm hiding them under my shirt.

Alexis

It's late.

Ryan

It's early. I brought all my things. I could leave here tomorrow and go straight to work.

I'm dying to get inside you. I've been thinking about it all night.

Alexis

Come on... You're lying.

Ryan

Let me prove it to you then. We can do it quickly, any way you like. Just tell me what you want and I'll do it to you.

Alexis

Anything?

Ryan

Anything.

Alexis

(Hesitates)

No. It's alright.

Ryan

Don't be embarrassed.

Alexis

Really, I'm not.

Ryan

I want to know everything. There's nothing you can't say.

Alexis

(Another hesitation)

I just want... to be close to you.

(Ryan removes Alexis' rubber band and kisses him.)

Ryan

Then let's go... be close.

(Ryan exits, presumably toward the bedroom. Alexis lingers for a moment – just long enough for us to see that he's holding something back, hiding something. He then exits toward Ryan. Lights down.)

Scene 3: Ryan

(Ryan stands alone onstage and addresses the audience.)

Ryan

He told me I could fly--I could fly through the sun. He gave me a pin with two silver wings. He said I was beautiful. I was tired from the walk. I was damp from snow and sweating. It was freezing outside.

I was fourteen, fifteen, and everything was new. I'd heard about this place I could walk to from home. It took almost an hour--an hour each way--but that was where I met him. It's where he changed my life.

The man was older. Fifties, I think. Probably only thirty, but I was so young. He bought me a soda and smiled as I drank. He must have known instinctively how thirsty I was.

I think he was a wizard, or an angel in disguise. He was fat and unshaven. I knew he was drunk. Later, I imagined he had his own wings, flapping, squirming drunkenly, like an animal under his coat.

So beautiful,

so ambitious,

you could fly through the sun.

How long did it take you to get here from home?

An hour? That was dangerous. You could have been hurt.

No, I said, I can take care of myself.

But he knew I really couldn't; he knew that's why I came. I wanted to be taken care of, to be protected from the world. And I didn't have to say it. He knew me like a dream. His smile made me think he'd been waiting for this.

And that was when he gave me the pin. My legs were so tired, but I needed to get home. He reached into his pocket and opened my hand. You've done enough walking; now, you can soar.

Wings. Two Wings. To fly me back home. The bartender started laughing and called me a cab. But this was serious; this was magic. I could feel it in my toes. I was already changing, lifting off the ground.

I wore the pin on the inside of my shirt. It contained some kind of secret, transformative spell. When I wore it, I was beautiful. Unparalleled. Amazed. Like I was made of something different than everybody else.

I cared less and less about the other kids at school. And gradually I forgot to be scared of them anymore. I started dressing differently. And soon I moved my pin. I wore it on the outside for everyone to see.

My wizard had saved me; I belonged to him now. I was his invention, and I thought of him every day. I went back to find him, but he was never there. No one--even the bartender--could remember his name.

Three years later and I'm flying to New York. I've gotten into college. It's my first time on a plane. I'm seated near a window, and whenever I fall asleep, I sleep with my temple pressed up against the sky.

The stewardesses could see how excited I was. They kept coming by and offering me things: headphones, more peanuts, gum for our descent. And Wings. Two Wings. As I exited the plane.

My belief in the amazing...

My fearlessness...

My secret superiority...

My identity, my self...

All of it came from an airline pin. That was what my wizard had given to me.

When I arrived at my dorm room, I threw them both out: the new pin and the old one. And then, I sat still.
I'd found a new emptiness inside of myself. And as I listened to it, felt it, it started to hurt.

I go to a party; I try to get drunk. I'm in this apartment, in the kitchen, with a beer. Drinking and laughing. But the pain is still there. And I'm laughing now like crazy; and the others, they can tell. They see this crazy freshman. I need to calm down. I need to do something. I need to shut up...!

I rested my hand on a burner on the stove. With my other hand, deliberately, I turned on the flame.

Afterwards, I was happier. I was quiet. I was calm.
It didn't really matter what the others might have thought. I'd cauterized the emptiness. The pain was finally gone. And the burn, it healed so quickly. And it didn't leave a scar.

(Lights down.)

Scene 4: Ryan and Louis Break Up

(Louis is staring at his reflection in a mirror. He is dressed in an elegant cream blouse, scarf, cardigan, and sleek black pants. Fashionable. He smokes a cigarette. His hair is loosely pulled back; his high-heeled shoes lay beside his feet. He definitely looks like a man in drag, but one who is trying very hard not to – and succeeds to some extent.

(Louise, his "reflection", sits on the other side of the mirror. She is dressed identically to Louis. They gaze at each other curiously, touching their faces.

(Keys jangle in the front door. Louis and Louise hear this. Louis turns away from the mirror; Louise watches him.

(Ryan enters with grocery bags wearing a winter coat. Louis gives him a quiet smile. Ryan is surprised to see him; he smiles back, glad for the surprise and the warmth of the indoors.)

Ryan

I wasn't expecting you til eight or so.

Louis

We lost another client.

Ryan

(Pause, quietly – sadly)

O my god...

Louis

At least their exit was more decorous than the last. Dave is "recommending" that I take some time off.

(Pause. Ryan is so angry and insulted that he can hardly speak.)

Ryan

It's a firm for civil liberties. You reminded them of that?

Louis

I'm not gay or lesbian--not anymore.

Ryan

That's absolutely ridiculous. Who told you that?

Louis

It's true.

Ryan

(Short pause)

Are you serious?

Louis

You know this. It's the truth.

Ryan

(Pause, anger turning into frustration)

So you're just going to let them... shut you out?

Louis

Out implies that I used to be in.

Ryan

You were.

Louis

I wasn't. I pretended to be.

Ryan

But you're still the same person. They should recognize that...

Jesus! You're a lawyer! Take them to court!

Louis

(Short pause)

Why?

Ryan

Those fucking bastards!

(Louis turns back to the mirror, meeting Louise's stare. They smooth their clothes over their bodies.)

Louis

It's your temper. Just relax. Besides, we can't afford it.

Ryan

We've got plenty.

(Pause. Louis turns to Ryan; Louis stares at Ryan harshly.)

Louis

Not for that. That money has a purpose.

Ryan

To make you feel whole.

How can that ever happen if you let this go on?

(Tense silence.)

Louis

That's my money.

Ryan

(Pause)

That's not what I meant. I meant, we could borrow it. We'd win it back. We could probably even double it.

Louis

That's if we win.

Ryan

Win? Of course. Of course we would win. This is obvious--indisputable! Impossible to dispute!

Louis

You know the system better than that.

Ryan

But at least we should try it.

Louis

Listen to me...

I won't give up my happiness when I've waited this long.

Ryan

But I want you to be happy.

Louis

And I'm telling you --

(Short pause, simply and sincerely)

I am.

Ryan

(Pause)

This isn't... I don't know you. I don't know you like this.

(Ryan crosses back to the grocery bags, unpacking some items on the table. Louis turns back to the mirror; Louise gives him a stern, knowing look. They stare at each other for a moment, then Louis turns reluctantly to Ryan.)

Louis

I have something to tell you. It's very hard to say.

The money...

Ryan

What about it?

Louis

It's not really mine. Not all of it, anyway.

Ryan

It was a gift. My parents saved it for college.

Louis

Still, it's yours.

Ryan

I got a scholarship. We've been through this before.

Louis

Still, it was generous. I was surprised.

Ryan

I was happy to share it.

Louis

You really were. You really were happy; completely unafraid. You loved me unconditionally.

Ryan

You know I still do.

(Another silence passes between them.)

Louis

I don't know how to say this... I have to leave.

Ryan

(Pause)

Leave?

Louis

Leave. Start a new life. Where nobody knows me as who I was before. A place where I can really be who I am.

Ryan

Where?

Louis

I don't know. I'm still thinking about that.

Ryan

When?

Louis

After the surgery.

Ryan

That's... pretty soon.

(Pause)

How come you never discussed this with me?

Louis

There's too much between us. I need something... less.

Ryan

Less?

Louis

No. That's not the word...

I don't want two images. I feel crazy inside. Every time you look at me, I see myself through you. And there are always two images. Like a nightmare. Transposed.

Ryan

I just have one image.

Louis

That's impossible. You can't. You look at me, and I see them: I see them both at once.

Ryan

But you are, you're both of them --

Louis

(Fiercely)

This is ALWAYS who I was!

(Pause)

But that's how you see me. It's why I have to go.

Ryan

(Long pause, absorbing this)

How can you possibly make distinctions like that? Between one self and another?

Louis

They just exist. I don't create them --

Ryan

But they don't exist for me. They exist because you make them. They aren't absolute.

(Pause.)

Ryan

I'm trying to be supportive.

Louis

That's not what this is about.

Ryan

I only want to help you. I want to understand.

Louis

That's not what I'm saying --

Ryan

Then what do you want?

Louis

(Pause)

I want... to have the surgery, and then, to forget.

Ryan

(Pause)

You can't just forget it--forget half your life.

Louis

If there's nothing to remind me --

Ryan

Then that's all you'll have. Nobody. Nothing. Emptiness. That's all.

Louis

(With a glance back at the mirror)

No. I don't think so. I'd have something more.

Ryan

Did you think about this apartment? Did you think about me? Did you think about your friendships, your parents, your work? Could you really just... leave us? Could you really just forget? Do you even think it's possible to forget that much?

Louis

No. It's unlikely.

Ryan

Then why don't you stay? I'll be here to take care of you; I'll help you while you heal. And then, when you're ready, you can find a new job. You could help me at the center, start counseling again.

(Pause. Louis glances back at the mirror, meeting Louise's stare.)

Louis

(Pause)

Part of me... it wants to.

Ryan

Just think about it. Please.

Louis

(Pause, turning back to Ryan)

Everyone would still know me.

Ryan

Then why don't we move? We--together. Bathsheba. Our things.

Louis

You would still know me.

Ryan

I'll make myself forget.

Louis

(Pause, softly)

I'm sorry --

Ryan

I'm forgetful --

Louis

Just listen to me, PLEASE...

(A thick, overwhelming silence.)

Louis

I didn't want to do this..., I don't have a choice.
I'll leave before the surgery. Tomorrow, if you want.
And I'll give you back the money. I'm sorry. For it all.

(Long pause.)

Ryan

I wanted you to have it. The money was a gift.

Louis

I couldn't keep it. It's not fair to you.

(Pause.)

Louis

I was going... to ask you... But no--it's not fair.

Ryan

Keep it.

Louis

You're positive?

Ryan

Keep it. It's yours.

(Long pause.)

Ryan

Where is Bathsheba?

Louis

Sleeping in the sink.

Ryan

(Retrieving it from a grocery bag)

I got her a present. It's a new toy.

(Another long pause.)

Louis

Do you want to take her?

Ryan

I'll think about it.

(And another.)

Louis

Sometimes I get frightened.

(Looking back at Louise in the mirror)

Of my body.

(Ryan picks up the grocery bags.)

Ryan

(Not a question, resentful)

How come.

(Ryan exits. Louis looks after him, then turns back to Louise. She smiles. Lights down.)

Scene 5: When the Numbness Comes...

(Alexis and Ryan in Alexis' living room. Sofa, coffee table, two doors, etc. Alexis is practicing the viola. Ryan is taking notes on a file of paperwork spread out on the coffee table. Alexis puts down his instrument. Ryan continues taking notes. Long pause.)

Alexis

Do you feel... entitled?

Ryan

Entitled? To what?

Alexis

Entitled... to be comfortable. It's difficult to describe...

(Pause)

I sometimes have this feeling... that my crotch is going numb. A numbness, like... it's shrinking. Disappearing. I don't know...

(Long pause. Ryan hesitates.)

Ryan

Maybe... you're a woman?

Alexis

What does that mean?

Ryan

That you want to be a woman? --

Alexis

Jesus Christ.

Ryan

Why does it scare you?

Alexis

I shouldn't be scared?

Ryan

(Slight hesitation)

I'd still love you anyway --

Alexis

JESUS! JUST STOP!!

Ryan

(Brief pause; growing hostile)

I'm trying. I'm listening.

Alexis

I never should have asked.

Ryan

Nothing is wrong with you. It's all in your head.

Alexis

How could you possibly have been listening to me? It's in my body. My body is going dead!

(Ryan stands, very frustrated, and crosses to the door. He then backs away from it and lingers, not wanting to leave.)

Alexis

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... It scares me. I'm scared...

(Pause)

Where are you going?

Ryan

Anywhere, I don't know.

(Pause)

I was going out for coffee. To find a café.

Alexis

You drink coffee?

Ryan

No. I don't.

(Pause)

I do feel entitled. To everything there is. To comfort, to happiness, my relationships, my self, to --

Alexis

Are you really happy--?

Ryan

(With redoubled fervor)

To my body, my "crotch". And to you, right now, the most of all.

Alexis

(Pause)

I'm trying.

Ryan

I know.

Alexis

I'm trying to learn.

Ryan

I don't want to change you.

Alexis

But I want to change. Just tell me... how you do it. Feel entitled to so much.

Ryan

(Intensely)

Fury.

Alexis

Fury?

Ryan

Being furious at world.

The world kept taking, kept stealing things from me. Like it thought I didn't notice, or it thought I didn't care, or it thought I was too frightened, too terrorized to withhold. But I saw what it was taking, and I wanted everything back.

Alexis

(Pause)

This one time, I don't know, it was fourth grade, I think, and this kid at my table, I punched him in the face. Punched him, hard, in front of everyone at lunch. He was bullying me, teasing--so I punched him, and I ran.

(Ryan is amused. Light laughter. Alexis starts laughing too.)

Alexis

I haven't thought of this story in years.

Ryan

What happened?

Alexis

(Proudly)

He cried. In front of everyone. Like a girl.

Ryan

Cried?

Alexis

Like a baby. And he tried to hit me back.

Ryan

Did he?

Alexis

No. Not then, at least.

Ryan

Later?

Alexis

Later. In front of my house. He was circling on his bicycle and calling me names. My grandmother was over from Florida that week. And she heard what he was saying. He was hollering across the yard.

Ryan

Faggot. The usual.

Alexis

Always the same. But now it was happening right in front of us, you know? My parents, my grandmother. Everyone on the block. There was nowhere you couldn't hear him; his voice was so loud.

(Beat)

He gave me a nosebleed and I ran back inside. I was screaming, screaming. My grandmother went pale. My dad, he kept ordering me to go back and fight. But I just kept crying... til the bleeding finally stopped.

(Long pause.)

Alexis

It's stupid, how important some memories can be. How these little things that happened... they never go away.

Ryan

I fought with plenty of kids like that.

Alexis

But I bet, if they punched you, you always punched them back.

Ryan

(Pause)

There is something wrong with me. It was yesterday, after work. I was locking up the center, we were finished for the day, and someone shouted "faggot". It happens all the time. But this time, it was different. This time, I felt... sad.

(Pause)

I haven't had that feeling since I was kid. It's like... I caught it... like you gave it to me.

(Pause, regretting this)

No. That's terrible. That's not what I meant. But I stopped having that feeling a long time ago.

Alexis

(Pause – intended to hurt)

Maybe you just buried it.

Ryan

(A thick pause, ominous)

What do you mean?

Alexis

Maybe you never stopped having it at all.

Ryan

(Deliberately)

I burned it out with fury.

Alexis

How can you be sure?

Ryan

The ashes. I feel them. I know what I feel.

Alexis

(Pause)

God, I'd do anything... I just want to feel. This sensation is so terrible.

Ryan

We'll burn it away.

Alexis

I'll change. I'll try harder.

Ryan

It'll all be alright.

Alexis

I'll burn out the impurities.

Ryan

(to himself)

The impurities... The... huh.

(Pause)

I just had the funniest thought.

Radium.

Alexis

Radium?

Ryan

It's strange... I don't know. Something I'm remembering... About radium... And the eyes.

Alexis

I don't remember.

Ryan

It's the funniest thing...

(Lights down.)

Scene 6: Zachary

(Zachary addresses the audience.)

Zachary

I miss him. It's terrible. It's hateful, don't you think? To miss the ones who hurt you. It's a hateful, hateful act. Missing them even occasionally. When they come by unannounced. When you wake up and realize they were with you in your dreams.

He asked if I would rape him. As a fantasy, you know. I'd say we'd been together maybe six or seven months. I knew he wanted something but was too afraid to ask. The sex was, well... plateauing. And I loved him. I was scared.

I met him on assignment for this article I did. I was gathering statistics on the budget cuts in the arts. I stayed to see the orchestra, and I noticed him right away. He was playing the viola. (I called it a violin.)

He played with such... intensity. All of them were intense. But he was so... affectionate, his intensity so kind. His hair was slicked back, but wisps were coming out, and they clung to his forehead like delicate, black cracks.

I loved him, I admired him. I wanted this to last.

A fantasy. A nothing. An imaginary world.

As long as I could touch him. And enjoy him. Like before.

I would have gone through torture to make love to him again...

So, he let me touch him. And make love to him. With force. Me... Can you imagine? It was laughable, I bet. I bet if you'd have seen us, you'd have laughed yourselves to tears...

But me... I wasn't laughing. It was killing me inside.

I know I could have stopped it if I'd told him that, you know? It wasn't me he wanted to humiliate, to hurt...

I started getting angry, and he asked me less and less. And soon, we weren't touching. Not aggressively; not at all.

There was something so good inside of him. Something he didn't know about; something he couldn't see. But me, I could see it. And I wanted it in myself. And I knew he must have suffered. And I wanted that too.

But now, when there was nothing but the suffering, the pain... It stayed with me, inside me, like a poison in my throat. Even after everything was over and he left. It had an oozing texture--it was physical, alive.

I remember how amazing sexuality could be. I remember, as a child: the discovery. The joy. Alone and self-fulfilling. And completely unashamed. A secret made of laughter I could whisper to myself.

I wanted to recapture that sensation from the past. I'd lost it, I... I'd lost it. And it wasn't only him. I hadn't even noticed it was happening to me. But somewhere, very slowly, when I started to grow up--somewhere when my secret wasn't secret anymore and I put it into language and described it my friends...

Angry. I was angry. Looking back on it--enraged. When I think of what it did to me? And what it did to him?

The anger--all the anger--and that oozing, awful mess. I still can't help but feel it. I can feel it even now. Sadness, fear, and anger. It was filling up my throat. My seams were coming open. And I had to make a choice.

Scene 7: Alexis and Zachary See Each Other Again & Zachary Shares a Secret

(Alexis and Zachary in Zachary's apartment, drinking coffee.)

Alexis

When we were together, what was I like? Different?

Zachary

(Considering)

Different...?

Alexis

Less... I don't know.

Zachary

It's hard to make comparisons. We've known each other so long.

Alexis

But if you had to. Make comparisons.

Zachary

I'd say you're the same.

Alexis

The same? Exactly?

Zachary

And different too. But more same than different.

Alexis

I don't think that's right. I don't think that's how I... remember myself. Wasn't I... happier? More... comfortable?

Zachary

With what?

Alexis

With everything. With me. With you. And us.

Zachary

You were never very comfortable.

Alexis

How do you know?

Zachary

We were living together. I could feel it in your breath. That short, nervous breathing. Like the air was always gone.

And then, I mean... the bedroom. When we were making love. If that's what you would call it --

Alexis

I'm done with that now.

It was... an experiment.

Zachary

(Not believing him)

Is that all it was?

Alexis

I never should have asked you --

Zachary

I was willing to--at first. It wasn't until later,

(The phone starts to ring.)

Zachary

(Continuous)

when it became something more..., when it turned into a requirement --

Alexis

Please. Let's stop.

Zachary

We never actually discussed it --

Alexis

I knew how you felt --

Zachary

(With sudden force)

No!

(Short pause; quieting)

No, you didn't...

(Pause. The phone keeps ringing.)

Zachary

(to himself)

Jesus...

(Picking up the phone, speaking into it)

Hello?

(Quick pause)

Hello? No, I'm busy. I can't talk about this now. I'm sorry--no, I'm sorry. Take me off your list.

(Hangs up.)

Zachary

Salesman.

Alexis

Cable?

Zachary

Credit card, I think.

Alexis

I told them to stop calling.

Zachary

They're persistent.

Alexis

I guess.

(Pause.)

Alexis

I didn't come to see you so we could talk about it now. I know how much you hated... I'd just rather let it go.

Zachary

(Pause, gesturing at the phone)

Sometimes, they still ask for you. I tell them you moved out. I give them your new number, but they still keep calling back.

(Pause)

I wish you could have told me why you wanted all those things. I think I know the reason --

Alexis

(Abruptly getting up, gathering his things)

I can't talk about this now.

Zachary

Why?

Alexis

(Almost begging)

Because it's stupid. It's embarrassing--!

Zachary

It was. Stupid and embarrassing. For both of us --

Alexis

Then stop! I wasn't always like this. I was different!
I was raw!

(Pause, quieter)

Sensations... they were everywhere. In everything I touched.

(Long pause between them.)

Zachary

I wasn't happy either. I could see that once you left.

Alexis

I'm sorry.

Zachary

No, it...

(Looking up at him)

Thank you. But it wasn't only you. I was such as asshole at the end of things, I know. Sometimes I still think about that benefit and cringe.

Alexis

The benefit...

Zachary

I'm sorry.

Alexis

You were angry. You were right. I was making you... unhappy.

Zachary

It was more than you or us. That's what I'm explaining. It was physical. In me. The discomfort, the --

Alexis

The what?

Zachary

(Short pause)

All these awful feelings that I thought had gone away. I thought I'd gotten over them, but now they... just came back... And I was so uncomfortable. My body felt so strange. Strange and... almost foreign. Like my body wasn't mine. And I was going crazy, I... I had to make a choice. I looked inside my body. And I saw them for myself. And there was just so much of it--this awfulness, in me--that somehow I could finally see through to something... pure.

(Pause.)

Alexis

How?

Zachary

I just... decided.

Alexis

You decided? That was all? To see those things inside you?

Zachary

That was part of it.

Alexis

And then?

Zachary

My body took me over. And I let myself give in.

Alexis

You're kidding me, right?

Zachary

Just the act of touching, of exploring. This... innocence. Indescribable. It's impossible to describe. A presence, like an orgasm--like you're ready to explode, to burst into something that's gripping you--hard.

To be naked, really naked--and to see yourself like that... Most of it was terrible. I held myself and cried. I cried like that for hours --

(Indicating the apartment above them)

The Hellers called the cops. But the purity...
Amazing. Just to see it there--I wept.

(Silence.)

Alexis

When did all this happen?

Zachary

You were already gone. We weren't speaking or else I would have called.

Alexis

(Pause)

Perilous.

Zachary

Perilous?

Alexis

I was talking to myself. I don't think I'd survive it. I think I'd fall apart.

Zachary

It's a scary proposition, really looking at yourself.

Alexis

And now you're...? Are you different?

Zachary

Do you think so?

Alexis

I don't know...

(Pause.)

Zachary

I don't know if I'm different, but I'm learning.

Alexis

Learning what?

Zachary

I've only just begun to... I can't answer that. Not yet.

(Long pause.)

Alexis

I wish that I was different. He's been helping me with that.

Zachary

He?

Alexis

(Hesitates)

My new boyfriend.

Zachary

(Short pause)

Is it working?

Alexis

I don't know.

Zachary

(Pause)

He knows you came to see me?

Alexis

I debated that.

Zachary

I see.

Alexis

Things are getting...

Zachary

Perilous?

(Alexis gets up, smiles, points to the phone.)

Alexis

Next time, just hang up.

(Lights down. Intermission.)

Act II

Scene 1: Louis/Louise: A Monologue

(Louis is staring at himself in a mirror. He is half-dressed and wears women's clothes. On the other side of the mirror sits a woman, Louise, dressed identically to Louis. They mirror each other's gestures and mouth each other's words.)

Louise

I hate myself. Intensely. I hate myself like this.
I'm caught in two places; I hate myself in both.

Louis

I've informed them of the urgency but we still have to wait.

Louise

I am dying inside you. I need to get out.

Louis

Some of you --

Louise

Some of me --

Louis

Is already out.

Louise

Freakish.

Louis

No.

Louise

Then what do you see?

Louis

It's only a transition --

Louise

I'll remember me like this. It's permanent, permanent.
It will never go away.

Louis

I've tried. They won't listen.

Louise

We've waited long enough! Your birthday is coming. You're almost thirty-two.

Louis

It's policy.

Louise

Policy? I've made up my mind! Do they think they can change it?

Louis

That's not what this is about.

Louise

Yes, oh yes--you know what this is. Do something, damn it!

Louis

What can I do?

Louise

File a lawsuit!

Louis

What?

Louise

Why not?

Louis

Do you know how much attention that would attract?

(Long pause.)

Louise

You don't want people to know about me?

Louis

I want... to be normal.

Louise

Normal?

Louis

Don't you?

Louise

This... is normal?

Louis

No, not yet. But afterwards, later --

Louise

I don't CARE anymore!

You have NO RIGHT to keep me in here. I'm the one who's genuine. I'm not The Fake!

Louis

The Fake?

Louise

The liar! The jailer. The cell.

Louis

But we're both the same person.

Louise

No we're not.

I'm not taking hormone pills. I don't need surgery. I don't need tits. I've already got them. They jiggle when I shake. Sometimes I shake just to watch them jiggle.

Your project in life is to live up to me. And you make me look ridiculous each time you try. You're a parody. I hate you. I don't hate myself. You'll always be ridiculous. I wish you were dead.

Louis

(Pause)

We are the same person.

Louise

NO WE'RE NOT!

Louis

We have the same feelings: I want to die. We share the same images --

Louise

So what if we do?

Louis

Then I'm just as genuine. And you're just as fake.

(Long pause.)

Louise

What are you saying?

Louis

I'm tired of this. I'm tired of blaming and torturing myself.

(Breaking down)

I wish you wouldn't blame me. I'm trying my best...

Louise

(Consoling)

I know. I'm sorry. I know you are.

(Another long pause.)

Louis

I can't file a lawsuit. I wouldn't win.

Louise

You might.

Louis

I might.

(Pause)

I'm scared of you.

Louise

These clothes will look beautiful. They're perfect, don't you think? I think we should finish trying them on.

Louis

I was hoping, by now, we'd be doing that in a store.

Louise

This is more personal.

Louis

And expensive, in the end.

Louise

You should just return them. The tags are still on.

(Pause, reading Louis' reaction)

Your wife didn't like them.

Louis

I'm terrible at that.

Louise

Terrible?

Louis

At lying. I hate telling lies.

Louise

Then buy the right sizes. Then tell them the truth.

(Pause. Louis says nothing.)

Louis

I don't want to lie about you.

Louise

(Pause, of the clothes)

The size on this is perfect. You did a good job.

(Long pause.)

Louis

I remember, when I was a child--when I was nine or ten--when I'd lock myself in the bathroom and take off my clothes; when I'd put on my mother's bra and slip..., how... Cold... How... Wintry... the material always felt. Like it was different, fundamentally, from everything I wore. Chemically different. Like it was made on the moon. Nothing of mine ever felt like that. Not even the socks I stuffed into her bra.

I was wondering, just now: were you made on the moon? Is that where they made you? Are you some kind of ghost? A ghost made out of vapors that emanate from the moon. Cold and silky. Is that what you are?

Louise

I don't know where I came from.

Louis

Cold, distant space...

Louise

You. From you --

Louis

That's not what I asked. I didn't create you!

Louise

Yes, you did.

Louis

(Very quietly)

Then why can't I get rid of you?... Why won't you go?

Louise

You can't just get rid of a part of yourself.

Louis

That's exactly what I'm doing.

Louise

It isn't the same.

Louis

Why? Why not?

Louise

Because that isn't you.

Louis

(of his reflection)

And you?

Louise

(of herself)

This is you.

Louis

No, it isn't.

(Long pause. Louis starts to take off the clothes; Louise does the same.)

Louise

What are you doing?

Louis

I hate myself like this.

Louise

It's the cut. It's unflattering. Even on me.

Louis

It's painful. It's painful to see myself like this.

Louise

It's a period of transition. You said so yourself.

Louis

I'll always be... liminal. I'll never be you. I'll never be inherently just one thing. We'll eventually change positions; I'll be sitting on your side. But my reflection won't be different. My reflection won't change.

Louise

But others will see you differently.

Louis

If I leave out my past.

Louise

There's nothing wrong with lying. Not about you.

Louis

I'll haunt myself in mirrors --

Louise

Don't look at yourself then!

Louis

You won't be able to help it. You'll feel compelled.

Louise

No. I'll be happy.

Louis

Do you really think that's true?

Louise

I'll be... completed.

Louis

As best as I can. But never fully realized. Always in-between.

Louise

(Pause)

Always.

Louis

Always.

Louise

No. You're wrong.

I don't understand why you're saying this to me. I don't understand it.

Louis

I want this to end.

I want to end it.

Louise

End it?

Louis

For good. But we need to be in agreement. I need you to help.

(Pause. They stare at each other. Finally, Louise leans in; so does Louis.)

Louise

(Slowly and deliberately)

I'll. Never. Help. You.

Louis

You owe me that much! I need to stop seeing. I need to escape.

Louise

I'm the one in prison. I'm the one who's trapped. I'm the one who's waiting to sneak past the guards!

Louis

I've tried to sneak past them. There are guards out here too. It's IMPOSSIBLE to sneak past them! --

Louise

Ridiculous! --

Louis

It's a fact. It's actual, lived experience. They're always on the watch. They're our narrators, our language--don't you understand?

Louise

(Pause)

You know I can't kill you. If I kill you, I die.

(Louis slumps into his chair and slowly starts to laugh. Louise remains standing with a stringent, hateful face.)

Louis

So I guess we really are the same person after all.

Louise

Ridiculous. You're ridiculous.

Louis

Ridiculous. You're right. The two of us--ridiculous.

Louise

I'm going away.

(Louise turns around and crosses to exit. Louis remains seated, laughing harder now.)

Louis

You're not going; there's nowhere for you to go. Nowhere, nothing. There's just you and me.

(Louise reaches the exit, but can't leave the stage. She stands there, her back to him.)

Louise

I wish I could kill you.

Louis

It's funny, in a way.

(Laughter fading)

It's suddenly so funny.

(Laughter stopped; pause)

Ridiculous. That's it.

(Lights down.)

Scene 2: Ryan and Alexis Reach the End

(Alexis sitting alone, absolutely quiet, for a very long time. Ryan enters, regards Alexis. Long pause.)

Ryan

You know it's the world that does this to us.

(Alexis has heard him. He is thinking. Another long pause.)

Alexis

Don't we also do it to ourselves?

Ryan

I want to be happy.

Alexis

So do I.

Ryan

Then it wouldn't make sense that we're at fault.

(Long pause.)

Ryan

You can't just sit here.

Alexis

Is there something you want to do?

Ryan

You've been sitting here... It's stupid.

Alexis

I was thinking about him.

Ryan

Who?

Alexis

Your boyfriend. The one before me. You told me his name, but I must have forgot.

(Pause)

Do you think it's... mutilation? What he's doing to himself?

Ryan

For all I know it's already been done.

(Pause)

Why are you thinking of him?

Alexis

I was thinking about myself. About that... feeling I have sometimes.

Ryan

(Pause)

O. The feeling...

Alexis

It won't go away. I'll distract myself with something, but it keeps coming back.

Ryan

(Smiling)

I could help distract you.

Alexis

I'm not in the mood.

Ryan

You're certain?

Alexis

I'm certain.

Ryan

At least let me try...

(Long pause.)

Ryan

Fine. Just sit there. How does that help?

Alexis

I've started giving into it.

Ryan

What do you mean?

Alexis

If I can't stay distracted, I might as well give in.

Ryan

You're not speaking clearly. Give into what?

(Alexis turns to Ryan and looks at him intently.)

Alexis

I used to think you were different from me.

Ryan

I am. I'm different.

Alexis

You seemed so...

(Pause, thinking)

Huh.

(Ditto)

I don't know how to say it. I don't think there's a word.

(Realizing)

I've never actually tried to say it before...

(Long pause – putting the words together)

Alexis

Pieces of my body are... attacking me. They acquire some kind of energy, some kind of force, and slowly... tangibly... the energy starts to spread..., and everything that it touches inside me goes numb.

(Pause)

I thought you didn't have it.

Ryan

You're right. I don't.

Alexis

It's tangible. I can feel it. I can feel it in you too.

Ryan

(Pause, indicating Alexis' groin)

This is... that feeling you were telling me about in your --

Alexis

No. That's where it started. It's different now.

(Long pause.)

Ryan

You should see a doctor.

Alexis

I already have.

Ryan

You should see a therapist.

Alexis

I'm looking for one.

Ryan

(Momentarily at a loss for words; then:)

Jesus, STOP SITTING! It's INFURIATING, my god! Get up already! GET OUT OF THAT CHAIR!

(Alexis gets up, a little frightened by Ryan's outburst. Long pause. Ryan is still very angry and tense, but he speaks in a lower voice now.)

Ryan

I want... to hit you.

Alexis

Hit me then. It's spreading through your fingers. You won't hurt your hand --

(Ryan hits him and is instantaneously shocked by what he has just done. Alexis falls backwards; perhaps he crashes into a piece of furniture. It was a very hard blow.

(A long, dense silence.)

Ryan

That wasn't me.

Alexis

My face doesn't hurt. I want to feel it. Do it again.

Ryan

(Beat)

I'm leaving you. I'm leaving.

Alexis

Why would you go?

Ryan

I'm not... this person.

Alexis

You're closer to me now. We're connecting.

Ryan

Connecting?

Alexis

We're the closest we've ever been. You're afraid of it. I'm afraid of it.

Ryan

I have to get out.

Alexis

No. Just listen.

Ryan

Get off of me, please --

Alexis

I'm trying to tell you... how close to you I feel. How absolutely close to you, how inside of you I am.

Ryan

This is scaring me. Get off of me--!

Alexis

I need you here.

If you go, if you detach yourself, then I'll float off in space. I'll have nothing to keep me weighted, don't you understand? I'm in love with you, I'm the same as you --

Ryan

We're not the same! --

Alexis

If you stay, then you'll realize, and you'll see it too --

(Ryan breaks free and is breathing heavily from the struggle. Alexis shrinks into himself on the floor. Long pause.)

Ryan

I don't know what you want from me, or who you think I am, but I'm afraid of what I'll do to you--I'm afraid of myself. For the first time in my life I'm afraid of myself. I just want to be happy. What's wrong with that?

Alexis

Do you love me?

Ryan

No. Not anymore.

Alexis

(Long pause)

Where are you going?

Ryan

I haven't thought...

(Pause)

Traveling. Flying. I don't know. Someplace far away from here.

(Pause)

I've always wanted to fly a plane. Maybe I'll take lessons... wherever I go.

Alexis

My face feels... frozen.

Ryan

You push me so hard.

(Pause, touching his own face where he hit Alexis)

Are you sure I didn't hurt you?

Alexis

No, not from that.

Ryan

(Long pause, offering his hand)

Here, get up. I'll stay a few days.

Alexis

(Getting up himself)

No. That's fine. I'd rather you go.

(Silence.)

Ryan

I guess... well, I'll go then.

(Looking around)

I have a lot of things. I should get started. I'll try to be quick.

(Ryan exits. Alexis crosses back to the chair and sits. Long pause. Ryan re-enters, dressed for an errand.)

Ryan

We don't have any boxes. We put them all out. I'm going out to find some. Is there anything I should get?

(Silence.)

Ryan

I could bring you back some coffee. And those pastries that you like.

(Nothing from Alexis.)

Ryan

I'll be back in an hour.

(Ryan exits.)

Alexis

My whole body is numb.

(Lights down.)

Scene 3: J.

(A crowded bar at a club. Pulsing music, very loud. As the lights come up, Jay is standing at the bar with his back to the audience. He spots someone offstage, turns into profile, and gives him a meaningful, seductive glance. The lights dim on everyone and everything but J. The music also fades but continues to play quietly in the background as J. faces front and addresses the audience.)

J.

I want him. To fuck him. And I'll have him, you'll see. I'm just too fucking beautiful to not get my way. I've never been rejected--not as I am. And that's what's important: The present, the now.

Sure, when I was younger--but that wasn't me. I've been... corrected. I've corrected myself...

I really should say 'crafted'. Like a fine piece of art. I am my own artist, and I'm proud of what I've made.

I studied the body, the musculature of the nude. I even took some classes and learned how to sculpt. I copied the David in eighth-inch scale. I admired the Romanticists. I went to museums.

And I sculpted.

    In private.

And I took myself apart.

I consulted with a doctor who knew about bones--how to break them, reshape them. I sold all my things. My eighth-inch David was all that I kept.

My hair, my eyebrows, my eyecolor, my skin; my freckles, my hairline, even my cock: Everything that could possibly be treated or changed; everything irregular, too big or too small...

There. He's looking. He's exactly what I want. Do you see it in his posture, how thrilled he is to be seen? How strange and unexpected, my eyes on his dick? I could come right out and tell him: I won't make you come.

I could come right out and say it and he wouldn't even care. I don't have orgasms. That's not what it's about. I'm on top of them, fucking them, and I'm waiting for that sound. Sometimes, it's a murmuring; sometimes, just a breath. That sudden breath of gratitude that empties out their lungs, replacing air with granite, expectancy with weight... No coming. No cleanup. It's over--get out! I show him my David as I walk him to the door.

I can't even see what they look like at first. I need special glasses for a defect in my eye. A sort of... mutation. A tiny, little growth. It's the one thing I was born with that nobody could fix.

The glasses are humungous, and contacts don't work, so generally I don't really see them til we fuck. I use the word 'generally' because actually, in truth--it's generally not their faces I'm looking at, you know. Usually I'm looking at the backs of their heads. It's gotten to the point where I can tell them by their hair. The length, the color, what it looks like when it's wet. If it curls or it straightens. If it comes out when I pull.

Once, I remember, I was fucking this guy, and I knew just from the smell of it that I'd fucked him before. The gel he was using--it was making me sick. I practically killed him when I figured it out.

Imagine, coming back to me --

Consciously wanting more --

When they know how much I hate them.

It made me want to puke.

First, I made him wash out the gel. And then, we went back to it. And I fucked him with my fist.

When they're innocent, it's different--or unconscious, I should say. But if they come to you consciously, it's unbearable then. But most of them never come back to me for more. So usually--usually--I can relax.

I've gotten pretty good at spotting them too, even with my mutant eye. I see it in their bodies, how they hate themselves, how they're blaming me for this terrible new knowledge they have.

The unconscious ones act differently. Their bodies are shy. I stare at them for awhile, like I'm doing right now. Eventually, they'll come up to me. Maybe we'll chat. And maybe I'll make an effort to see their faces before we go.

I'm not stupid. I know what I am.

Fuck being human.

It's easier being hard.

Hard.

And pale.

With rock in your lungs.

I'm hard already just thinking about you.

Thinking what I'll do to you; thinking of that sound.
How will you express it?--that emptying of yourself?

And maybe, once I'm sleeping, I'll dream about you. But not very intensely. And not for very long.

(Lights down.)

Scene 4: Radium

(An elegant soiree. Clusters of men and women, all fashionably dressed-up, milling around the stage, drinks in hand, breaking apart and reforming again like molecules under a microscope. Appropriately hip cocktail music is playing in the background.

(Alexis, Ryan, Zachary, J., and Louis are all onstage. Alexis and Zachary inhabit the same cluster, but there is a distance between them – the strained weariness of a relationship that is about to crumble. Ryan and Louis, on the other hand, seem very much at ease. Louis is dressed as a man. J. lingers in the background, moving from cluster to cluster but attached to no one. He is watching the other men.

(One of the clusters is set off from the rest, and it is with this one that we begin: Alexis and Zachary.)

Zachary

How much were the tickets?

Alexis

Five hundred each.

Zachary

Five hundred? Jesus. Thank god I was comped.

Alexis

It won't be much longer.

Zachary

(Checking his watch)

Jesus Christ.

Alexis

Have more champagne.

Zachary

I'm calling a cab.

Alexis

(Pulling him back)

What?

Zachary

I'm tired.

Alexis

I thought we had plans.

Zachary

It's almost eleven.

Alexis

It's early.

Zachary

It's late. You told me we'd be home by ten o'clock.

Alexis

I told you already, I'm sorry--alright?

Zachary

When did you say you found out about this?

Alexis

I didn't think they'd need me --

Zachary

Sure, uh-huh. It's a benefit for the orchestra. You play with them --

Alexis

Well I wasn't expecting to play for them tonight.

Zachary

Fine. Why did you?

Alexis

They asked me if I would.

Zachary

When?

Alexis

I don't know. A week ago?

Zachary

We've been talking about tonight for longer than that --

Alexis

I couldn't say "no" to this. Please understand...

(Long pause.)

Zachary

You didn't want to be with me. Isn't that the truth?

Alexis

I told you, they asked me. I didn't have a choice --

Zachary

So you're saying it isn't --

Alexis

Can we not do this here?

Zachary

Yes, right here. It's the perfect place.

I could meet you in the stairwell --

Alexis

(Hissing)

God, shut up!

Zachary

We'll try it out in public for an added sense of shame. I'll wear a stocking over my head. Do you think one of your patrons could spare me one?

(to no one in particular)

Excuse me madame, sorry to interrupt, terribly, terribly sorry, but I have a request: Could I borrow a stocking to wear over my face. I need to rape my boyfriend and I left mine at home.

Alexis

(Pulling him close; taking away his drink)

Alright, you're finished --

Zachary

Hey, what gives--?

Alexis

This is a very important function --

Zachary

You sound like one of them. "A very important function" --

Alexis

(of the champagne)

How much of this have you had?

Zachary

That was my second. Can I please have it back?

Alexis

Then why are you--?

Zachary

Why? Have you been listening to me?

Alexis

Everyone's been listening. Lower your voice.

Zachary

(Quieter, but very intensely)

Tonight was our evening. I made dinner. I shaved. I put little candles around our bed...

Alexis

(Pause, with finality)

I don't want to talk about this.

Zachary

(Pause, hurt and very angry)

This relationship isn't working.

Alexis

(Handing him the keys)

Here, take the car. I'll be home later.

Zachary

I'll call a cab.

(Zachary starts to leave. Alexis is standing with the keys in his hand, offering them to no one now. Zachary turns back.)

Zachary

I was really hoping...

(Pause)

I was hoping you would change.

(Zachary exits. Alexis, keys still in hand, feels this deeply. Long pause. Louis separates from his cluster and crosses to Alexis.)

Louis

(Reaching out for a handshake, smiling)

Mr. Viola?

Alexis

(Quick pause, snapping out of thought)

What did you say?

Louis

I'm sorry. It was stupid. I'm terrible with jokes.

(Taking Alexis' hand and shaking it)

Good to see you.

Alexis

(Not sure who he is)

Good to see you too.

Louis

(Pause, reading Alexis' uncertainty)

O... I'm sorry. It's been a long time.

I talked with you briefly for the Fenderman case. He auditioned for the orchestra and overheard some... remarks? We thought there might be issues of discrimination at stake...

Alexis

It was his playing. He was so bad it hurt.

Louis

You told me that, I remember. And now I understand. This was so... beautiful.

Alexis

I'm glad you were here.

Louis

I felt a little uncomfortable, to tell you the truth.

Alexis

It's important work you're doing. I appreciated that even then.

Louis

Thanks. But your conductor.

Alexis

He mellows with time.

Louis

And the board.

Alexis

The board.

Louis

They were pretty... displeased.

Alexis

Displeased? They were raging.

Louis

I'm sorry. I know.

Alexis

Please. We're indebted. One of them resigned.

(Friendly laughter. Ryan joins them.)

Ryan

(to Louis)

Find someone friendly?

Louis

Yes.

Ryan

Thank god!

(to Alexis, a handshake)

Hi, I'm his partner. You played wonderfully tonight.

Alexis

I'm sure no one heard me. I get lost in the strings.

Ryan

If that's how you prefer to see yourself...

(Long pause. The comment brings an undertow of seriousness that temporarily halts conversation.)

Alexis

(Embarrassed, smiling)

Well...

Ryan

(Ditto)

I'm sorry.

Louis

He does this all the time.

Ryan

I just meant, you were wonderful. I didn't lose a note.

Alexis

Thank you.

Ryan

I mean it. You're obviously very good.

Alexis

(Quick pause, not knowing what else to say)

I appreciate the compliment.

Louis

Really, he's right.

(A moment of awkward silence as they all drink. Alexis looks around, scanning for Zachary. His eyes meet J.'s. He is momentarily transfixed.)

Ryan

(to Louis)

Have you heard about the radium?

Louis

The radium?

Ryan

In the park? The tall guy--the cellist?--saw a story in the news. It was something about a park or what's buried underneath and what happens when certain chemicals... Have you heard about this?

Louis

No, I don't think so.

Ryan

It was Sunday, I think. Did we save Sunday's paper?

Louis

The recycling went out. What kinds of chemicals?

Ryan

Common ones, I think. I guess I stopped listening. The article had a list.

Louis

(to Alexis)

Quite a discussion.

Alexis

(Still distracted by J.'s presence, though no longer looking at him)

It sounds like it, yeah.

Ryan

(to Alexis, indicating "the tall guy")

The tall guy--he's a cellist?

Alexis

(Looking)

Uh-huh, that's right.

Louis

Was he here when we spoke about the Fenderman case? It looks like he's wearing makeup. I would have noticed that, you think.

Alexis

O, he's straight. He wears it because he's sick. The treatments he's receiving, they're damaging his skin.

Louis

Sick?

Alexis

He has cancer.

Louis

Cancer... O god...

Alexis

He's actually the staunchest bigot I know.

(Another awkward silence. Ryan quietly starts to laugh.)

Louis

What?

Ryan

I'm sorry. This is terrible of me.

Louis

Jesus...

Ryan

I know.

(Suppressing the laughter)

There. It's gone.

(Another awkward silence.)

Ryan

It's just... the irony caught me off-guard. A straight man wearing makeup... and a bigot no less.

(The laughter has begun to resurface again. Ryan fights it down and forces a very serious face.)

Ryan

It's terrible. I'm sorry.

(Pause. A smile breaks over Alexis' face.)

Alexis

He's wearing a wig...

(He also starts laughing – very quietly, trying to stifle it. The laughter spreads back to Ryan again. Louis looks on disapprovingly. They both catch sight of him and the laughter increases, as does their effort to control it.)

Ryan

Decorum... decorum...

Louis

He's looking at us.

(Alexis and Ryan stop and look back. The tall guy is indeed looking at them. Long pause.)

Alexis

He knows I don't like him. He hates me too. One time he called me a powder poof...

(The laughter starts up again, embarrassingly loud this time.)

Louis

(Moving away from them)

Excuse me.

Ryan

(Grabbing him back)

No...

(Still laughing – hard)

I promise... we'll... stop...

Louis

How much have you been drinking?

Ryan

I'm sorry, okay?

(to Alexis)

We're not going to want to remember this.

Alexis

I'm sure my colleagues won't let me forget.

I should go now, excuse me.

(to Louis)

I'm sorry about this. It really was good to see you again.

(to Ryan)

And I think I'm glad I met you.

Ryan

Really? You think?

Alexis

We're terrible together.

Ryan

(Smiling)

That's absolutely true.

(Alexis excuses himself. He and Ryan continue to look at each other for just a moment longer than they should. Louis sees this. Long pause. Louis and Ryan do not look at each other.)

Ryan

Radium causes cancer.

Louis

What did you say?

Ryan

I was telling you about the radium--the radium in the park.

Louis

You were acting so... stupid --

Ryan

I embarrassed you, I know. It's obvious I embarrassed you, now you can stop it, okay?

(Pause)

The park used to be a dumping site. People are getting cancer. It comes up through the ground. Children are getting cancer. There's a playground in the park. The playground gives them cancer. It's contaminating them.

These children... they're innocent. That's how they're born. Pure and perfect. But the purity doesn't last. They're playing, they're swinging, and the radium seeks them out. A bright, green jelly, camouflaged by the grass. And it places a tumor inside their throats. Their brains, their stomachs, their lymph nodes, their eyes. It plants a little tumor right behind their eyes so everything they see is green and jiggles.

Louis

What are you talking about?

Ryan

The RADIUM in the park!

(Lowers voice)

The radium. The radium. It's everywhere, don't you see?

No, you can't see it. It's camouflaged by the grass. And our eyes are all infected. It's invisible either way.

(Louis has been glancing around to make sure no one is looking. He catches sight of the Female Guest across the room. She is listening in on another group, then turns and sees Louis, smiles, and crosses past him and exits.)

Louis

(Pause)

Does any of this have to do with... what I told you about?

Ryan

It might.

Louis

(Pause, expecting more)

Well, does it?

Ryan

(Imitating him)

Well does it? I don't know!

(Quick pause, then:)

Of course you'd get righteous about teasing some guy who shares your fondness for wigs and cosmetics.

Louis

He's still a human being. I feel sorry for him.

Ryan

No. He's a bigot --

Louis

Lower your voice!

Ryan

He's a stupid fucking bigot who deserves what he got. He's dying. We should celebrate. I'll get the drinks.

Louis

No. We're going. I hate it when you're drunk.

Ryan

You're such a fucking pussy.

(Hands over mouth)

Oops, hear that?

(Hanging on Louis)

The pussy wants a pussy to make himself feel "whole". A precious little hole so I can fuck him in the front...

(Louis shoves Ryan away.)

Louis

Fine. I'm going.

Ryan

Fine. Then go.

(Silence between them.)

Ryan

I didn't mean it. I'm sorry. I'm drunk.

Louis

I think you meant it.

Ryan

I was angry.

Louis

At me.

Ryan

I don't know where that came from. It's not who I am.

Louis

Maybe you're not who you think you are.

Ryan

(Pause)

You want to go without me? You want to leave me here?

Louis

(Pause)

I love you. You're angry.

Ryan

I wasn't... I'm not. Can we please just... This was terrible. This is terrible of me.

I'm tired. I'm edgy. I've been working all day. I just need...

(Puts down drink)

to stop this. I need to go home. Can we please just... go together?

Louis

I'm sorry too.

Ryan

You don't have anything to be sorry about.

(The background music grows louder, as do the voices of the other guests. Alexis and J. are together upstage. Alexis smiles self-consciously. J. looks at him, squints, then looks away, not really seeing him. A moment later, J. turns back to Alexis and, without looking at him, signals that they should leave together. Again, Alexis flashes a self-conscious smile; he shakes his head "no", although not without seriously considering it first. J. retrieves a pen, scribbles something onto a napkin [he might have gotten it from a small plate of food he's been holding], and gives it to Alexis. J. exits. Alexis looks at the napkin, then pockets it. Lights down.)

Scene 5: Coming Apart, Coming Back Together

(Alexis's bedroom. Alexis is seated on the bed. He addresses the audience.)

Alexis

You stupid fucking faggot...

Don't touch me like that...

I barely even touched him.     I didn't have the time.

My fingers reached for contact, and he met them with a slap.

And I looked at him, at his body, and I saw he was afraid.

Not of my reaching--not that alone. Not even principally afraid of my touch. He was angry; I could see that. I could see he was enraged. But fearless, impervious, like his pores were full of stone.

My hand was still reaching, my fingers were still out. I was scared of him but reaching; my fingers didn't know. I couldn't even look at him; my eyes were on his chest. I thought he was going to kill me...

You stupid fucking fag...

And then his muscles tightened.

Don't touch me--!

My arm. My right arm flew backwards and strained at the joint. And the very same moment, my hand began to sting. And for the first time in ages, I felt something. I felt.

And then, seconds later, the feeling went away. I was numb again, echoey, and my eyes were on his chest. His muscles were shrinking, hiding under his bones. And I knew that he was scared of me. And I stopped hearing his voice.

He'd touched me, made contact--he'd pushed away my hand. He did it to prevent me from touching him myself. But our hands still made contact. For a second. Just a flash. And his body closed against me. His whole body hid.

And I pitied him and loved him and hated him all at once. The two of us were so similar. We were both so afraid. And when I got home, I was tired--but I couldn't fall asleep. I was still too full of everything. I was hollering at him in my head.

There was so much I could have shared with you...

Do you hear me, you shit!

There was so much you could have TAUGHT me!

There was so much we could have LEARNED!

Everything is empty; the apartment, the bed.   His side of the closet. The hook for his coat...

And here I'm full of everything and nothing's here but me and I'm tired of not feeling and always feeling alone...!

Here.

Full of everything.

Full enough to burst.

Full of feeling open.

My heartbeat going raw.

I was getting naked, taking off my clothes. My pants off. Slowly. My socks and my shirt. Dragging them against me--the fabric on my skin. Letting it... enjoy me. As if it were someone else.

But it wasn't. It was me. My clothing. My hands.       And then, my underwear. My fingers slipping down. My fingertips sliding and reaching under the band. Stretching it. Opening. And then, pulling down.

Slowly. So slowly. Enjoying every part. My thighs to my kneecaps. The rough, sandy skin. The soft, fleshy fibers that fill out my calves.      Hardening, getting stronger as I pointed my toes.

There's so much you could have taught me.

There's so much I need to know.

Everything.   So empty.

I'm scared of you too.

I'm scared of             becoming        of

    Knowing what you are.

Of knowing it so            intimately.

Of recognizing it in myself.

The closing off of muscles.

The granite in your pores.

I hate you.        I HATE YOU!

This isn't what I want.               This isn't what --

GODDAMN IT!

I TRIED to let you in.         I tried to tell you
    EVERYTHING and

You left an empty hook!

Smelling. Tasting. Using my mouth. Slowly, but warmer. A heat in my chest. My arteries. Pounding. Enjoying my blood. Sweat on my back and the sheets start to stick...

Perilous, so perilous.

I don't think I'll survive.

But there's more, even deeper, and I want to look.

So slowly, very slowly, I take off my skin.

Dig in my fingers and separate.      With force.

And my skin starts to separate like a peel from a fruit. Not easily, but together--all in one piece. The skin between my fingers, the skin above my nose. Naked now. Finally. And I'm touching myself.

But there's more.   Even deeper.    Even nakeder than I am.

Naked beyond my muscles naked through my bones and it's opening my body is forgetting itself and splitting into energy into matter and space     and

splitting and i hate you and i love you all at once and i'mfalling and i'mdiving and i'mlooking i'mashamed and iknewthis isawthis i'minthiscan'tyousee? inolongerhaveabodyi'm all... torn... apart.........

Do you know me?   That feeling?    Did you ever... truly... know?

Me.   It's so amazing.   Can you see me?   Who I am?

Everything's still empty, but the emptiness has changed. And I thought of you, and I noticed that I'm frightened of you less.

I thought of my fingers, of the music they can make. I thought of the first time I picked up a bow. I remember the sensation of the horsehair against my face. I drew it across my eyelids, and my whole body sang......

(Lights down.)